Hoarding

I’m currently hoarding bacon-grease to make brownies.

What

Chipotle burritos…like 3 times a week. Why must you be next to my job and cheap enough to eat? How else am I supposed to get 1200 calories in 10 minutes? I am eating ~5,000 calories a day, and don’t eat enough at work without this quick fix!!!

Cheesy Noodle Soup

No-name kraft dinner : I put about twice the recommended amount of butter and milk so it makes some kind of fake cheesy noodle soup. I then add roughly 300% of the daily recommended salt intake and enough pepper to make it orangey/greyish. I eat the whole box too.

Instant Deliciousness

Here is a delicious, cheap and super-low carb snack:

Pork rinds
melted butter
cinnamon
splenda

Put the pork rinds on a plate, but not overlapping each other, and then pour the melted butter all over them. Then spread cinnamon and splenda over the pork rinds and finally place them in the microwave for 30 seconds. Instant deliciousness.

Still Better

My fondest memory of Pizza Hut is bringing a pizza into school, leaving it in my desk over the weekend and eating it on Monday.

Still better than Dominos and Papa John’s overpriced shit in a box.

Fast Food Holocaust

Some friends and I stopped for a quick lunch inside a KFC/Taco Bell combination restaurant. We order, a friend getting a KFC Snacker and myself getting a Snacker combo. We wait for twenty minutes before any food comes to us. We open the bags, and my two Snackers are missing altogether and my friend’s is covered in various assorted and unwelcome taco vegetables. I go to the register and inquire about the status of my sandwiches, displaying my receipt and explaining the problem. The manager sets out to fix it, and tells the cook to do his job.

Fifteen minutes later: I go up to the counter again and ask politely if they have forgotten about the sandwiches. Of course, they have not and are sorry for the mistake. After another five minutes they hand me a bag with one, ONE sandwich within. Furious, I advise my compadres to head to the car. As they leave, I dump all the drinks upon the floor, scatter wrappers everywhere, and upend the table. We peel out as we flee the parking lot. I don’t envy the guy who had to clean up that mess. Though he didn’t directly harm me, he was complicit in that fast-food holocaust and had to be held responsible.

I Could Tell

And while we’re at it, screw Pop Tarts and their messing with the recipe for the Chocolate Frosted Pop Tarts. As someone who ate Pop Tarts every day for 10 years, I could tell when they screwed with the recipe. They didn’t taste the same. So, I broke up with them.

Mountain Dew

Why would anyone drink coffee, when Mountain Dew is so much better tasting and has just as much caffeine?

Bacon Soup

Bacon soup, aka bacon in bacon grease. However I generally prefer my bacon as just a huge pile, and then lick up all the puddled grease off the plate afterwards.

What’s the Difference

I used to dumpster food all the time (and eat it too!). I would still do it if I needed to.
I really can’t understand how people think this is gross. What’s the difference between buying fruit that countless people have touched to tell whether it’s ripe or not, and eating fruit that you found in a dumpster meant for food and food-related products. You’re going to (if you care about sanitation or your health at all) wash the fruit either way. Seriously, someone please provide a good argument against eating dumpstered food.